There Are Too Many Things I Want to Do

My problem is that there are too many things I want to do.

I want to have babies. I want to have my dream house interiors. I want to go hiking often. I want to serve in my community. I am dying to be good at ballet and modern dance. I want to have a meaningful Montessori Instagram. I want to have a political blog where I explain all of my thoughts on things. I want to have a historical fashion YouTube channel. I need to do physical therapy exercises every day so I can fix my feet, hips and back. I want to arrange hangouts so that we can make a few friends out here.

And those are like, the most important things. There are a lot of other things I want to do.

I’d love to go running every day. I’d love to take my kids swimming all the time. I want to blog about everything I think about like I am doing right now. I want to take my family on adventures, to new places in California and further away. I want to give my kids tons of outdoor time. I want to take a course on non violent communication so I can heal my relationships with my family members.

And in a dream world I would also:

Consolidate all my old blog posts onto one blog. Play piano. Be great at yoga and use it to zen out regularly. Do family history work regularly. Have a hydroponic window vegetable garden. Take my kids to the library once a week.

And in an impossible world I would also:

Play the violin. Make the best baby carrier ever. Do weight training to have strong bones and be able to do a pull up.

I have so much stuff I want to get done and so little time. How do I solve this puzzle?

Realizing at 25 that I’ve been complicit in evil my whole life

Oh that I were an angel, that I could shake the earth and tell people,

“Black Lives Matter!!! Israel is a colonialist project! Trump is despicable! Love is love! Patriarchy is evil!”

Things that oppose these things make my stomach churn and drain my sense of humanity. And I’m a straight white wealthy person. I can’t imagine what people go through who get affected more by these issues.

Sometimes I wish I could just make all the people around me understand these things.


So I just learned this word called Twee and I’m excited about it.

Twee was a cultural movement that came to a head around 2012-2014 ish.

You can read about by googling it. There’s an Atlantic article I believe.

But for fun I want to make a list of Twee things.

Here goes:

  • Jess in New Girl
  • The Christian singer JJ Heller
  • Mindy Gledhill’s album Anchor
  • The show Portlandia (it kind of makes fun of Twee, but it in itself is pretty Twee)
  • YouTuber Dodie Clark (at least her younger reincarnation)
  • YouTuber Evan Edinger
  • YouTuber Tessa Violet
  • Nerdfighteria is probably the biggest Twee community that is readily findable
  • The Fault in Our Stars
  • John and Hank Green
  • The book Stargirl
  • ModCloth
  • Bird silhouettes (see Portlandia sketch Put a Bird on It)
  • Singer Emily Hearn

I Finally Put Together A Montessori Kitchen

We did it. The IKEA kitchen is put together now, complete with a thrifted water dispenser with real water.

I never got dressed today and didn’t clean anything until bedtime, but it’s done 😅

For anyone curious, giving toddlers a water supply they can access on their own is an idea from the Montessori methodology. Clark super enjoyed filling his cup up, guzzling water, and giving it to me and @coltonkopsa
I’m going to add snacks, wash cloths and dishes to the cupboards for further independence.

And yes, there was some dumping of water, but I’m confident that if I’m firm about taking the water away whenever that happens that he’ll learn.

New Morning Routine

I’ve decided to start blogging for five minutes every morning. It’s gonna be fun!

My current morning routine is going to last at least 45 minutes. This morning I also decided to commit to meditating 10 minutes every morning.

BUT even though all these things will make me work later, they are going to give me more power over my life.

A few more minutes every morning is nothing.

Plus, blogging is something I really look forward to, but never have the time to do. Hopefully this helps me feel more like I have something to look forward to everyday in spite of the grind.


Sunday morning is here again. I did stay up until midnight and sleep in until 8 so I barely have time to write.

But I did clean the house yesterday. And it felt like it took an hour for us to just clean the living room and kitchen, which “weren’t that messy”

And I did get one project done yesterday: making sensory bins.

It is December 1st. I’m trying to not be a grump about Christmas.

This is my thought process around Christmas time:

Oh wow it’s Christmas time again. Aww man, I loved Christmas as a kid, but now it feels like a disappointment. I was SO obsessed with Christmas as a teen, and then I realized that it didn’t live up to those expectations, and ever since then I’ve been at best uncomfortable with Christmas. At worst I’ve been angry that it has betrayed me and I always want to skip Christmas. Then I think, “Well what you’ve really got to do to get the Spirit of Christmas is serve others. Do something from Light the World.” So then I keep trying to think of ways I can do ‘enough’ and I manage to eek out one or a few things, mostly or only donating money online. And think, “See, there’s some holiday spirit, I don’t really feel it still but that was a good thing to do.”

And then on Christmas morning I try to ignore the materialism and especially not get grumpy inside about what I did or didn’t receive, which I always do. But I DO really enjoy watching people open gifts I gave them. I think the coolest Christmas morning was when we made homemade gifts for all the siblings. However, the week leading up to that was stress ball crazy, But it was fun too. I made a sloth for Merritt that ended up looking like an Adventure Time character and that was really rewarding.

Yeah so I think this year I am going to make a plan to make a plan today about holiday activities and service so that I can actually do some stuff.

It’s just too much.

I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going with my life.

I want to be a stay at home mom.

But I also want to be able to do philanthropy and make a difference.

And I want to be able to buy nice things. Not silly things, buy nice things, like a climbing toy for Clark, or a trip to see family. Or a quality necklace for a friend.

Quarter Life Crisis: Am I Actually Going Where I Want To Go?

The other day I wrote, “It’s morning and I have time to write!”

I’m realizing today that I could write every morning if I chose to make it happen.

Anyways, this week I did a couple of things that kind of have me turned around.

First, I created a lovely spreadsheet of our incomes and how long it will take us to accumulate $300,000 on our incomes with such and such spending habits.

6 years.

We have a big income so it’s crazy to imagine how long this takes the average household.

The other thing I did this week was get serious about goals. I started posting on my instagram for mom hacks every day and I started doing duo lingo every day. I started replying to people’s texts more promptly. I stopped spending nearly as much time online shopping or scrolling social media. Basically whatever time I was spending on my phone was more productive.

But I was exhausted.

So I guess making a more mindful plan for my money and my time got me into kind of a slump.

Now I’m asking, “What is it all for?”

So, first off things that I would like to spend more time on are:

Quality time with Clark.





Visiting family.

Making friends.

Getting in touch with old friends.

Discussing books with friends.

Helping people out somehow.

Reading great books.

Listening to great music.

Looking at great art.


But I do still want to work on having a clutter free, beautiful home that promotes mental and spiritual health!


But I feel like my current life feels like a hollowed out shell.


I thought I wanted to start a business of creating a bunch of goods that I think the mom market wants, that I want for sure, and then use that business for good as a b corp that donates a large amount, has great maternity leave and stuff.

But that sounds so stressful right now. But I think I still want to do it. But I also have to make time for the above list as well.



Diary 11.10.19

Yesterday we went to the temple with the ward. There was a luncheon afterwards so it was definitely an all day affair. It was a lot of fun to be with a bunch of friends having fun. Kathy watched Clark for us.

Today is Sunday and we slept in. I should be getting ready for church.

Last night I bought some wooden nesting/stacking cups for Clark. He loves putting things inside other things so I think he’ll love them.

I’m so excited to get him all the open ended wooden toys I wanted as a kid. He’s not old enough for a lot of them yet though.

So far he has a Waldorf doll, which he does like, he likes giving it hugs and getting kisses, just like his other stuffed animals. But you can tell he sees that it’s smiling. The first time he saw it he laughed. I want to get him a stroller for it but I guess I haven’t because the wooden ones I’ve seen are kind of ugly.

Then he has

Actually I think his first other open ended toy is going to be this stacking cup set.

He does have a Montessori object permanence box, but that’s not open ended.

He does have a Nugget play couch. Which is a little too old for him. He does love climbing on it when his cousins are. And he loves hiding in it with me when I hide in it. He’ll hide in it by himself too. But overall not getting a ton of use out of it yet.

And then he does have animal photo magnets, which he does like. You can tell that he is curious about what they are.

But mostly right now his favorite things to do are:

Carrying things around. Interesting things are big things with handles, but he also just likes having something in each hand all the time.

Putting things inside other things, including himself. He’s started doing this with smaller things lately, like pens in a cup, so I want to make a color sorting pen cup type game.

Peeling tape, stickers, and magnets off.

Pulling things out. Ie ribbons or pom poms. Laundry, stuff in cabinets.

Opening and closing boxes, cabinets, doors, drawers.


Reading books with pictures and solid backgrounds

Holding, touching, tasting, carrying, exploring anything that is new and hasn’t been seen before.

Lifting anything heavy. Such as a giant jug of popcorn kernels, and good sized pumpkins.

Anyways, mostly when he’s had enough sleep, food and socialization he always finds something interesting to do whether it’s toys or household objects. Yesterday he found Colton’s toiletry bag. It has a small handle and is a little bit heavy so he was obsessed with toting it around.

If we don’t hang out with family for about half the weekend, he gets depressed. And even if we do, then by Friday he gets depressed also, even if there is a playdate during the week. He needs more playdates than one, haha.

And honestly those same circumstances get me depressed. I just have more social media surfing to do than him.

Most of his actual toys that are meant to toys right now are:


Xylophone and a piano

Open/close boxes (small boxes with different kinds of lids and hinges that I’ve gotten at the thrift store).

A bubble machine

Random little cars/trains

Stuffed animals and doll


Ring stackers (which he just started trying to do this month of life)

Nugget couch

Easter baskets with handles to carry and put things in

Costco boxes and big baskets to climb in

A small plastic set of drawers to discover things in. (The kind you get at Walmart to organize your house)

Object permanence box